Up all night like this

My Nickbear :( He was perfect for holding my pop, and now he’s gone.

ultimate-wave:

sammy <3

Ted, How I Met Your Mother

When you’re sad and you don’t know why «<

Well, “sad” isn’t exactly the correct term. Maybe “empty” would be more appropriate. Recently I’ve been getting hit with these random moments where my heart feels so heavy, and I just want to curl up and cry. And sometimes, I do, and sometimes I don’t. And sometimes I try, but the tears are little bastards and don’t want to come out. Oh, and don’t get me wrong… I’m not really the crying type. Especially when it comes to serious things, like if someone’s yelling at me or hurting me or if other people are crying. My eyeballs just turn into moisture-less tear ducts.

But now, only starting a few days ago, I’ve acquired a chronic suffocating feeling in my chest that makes me want to cry just so I can have that release. I don’t know what I need. But I know what I want. I want someone I can just pour EVERYTHING out to without having to worry about him or her getting tired of or frustrated with me or walking away from me because they’d rather just leave me to my own tormenting thoughts. Someone like that is impossible to find, solely because of my own stupid pride. I don’t want to burden anybody with my own selfish needs. And I also don’t want to admit that anything is wrong with me. 

The last time I felt like this was two years ago, and it got to the point where I had to see a therapist every week. But you know what? It helped me a little bit. Even though he was getting paid to listen to whatever I had to say, I got a little source of release. I don’t want to have to go back to a therapist. I know I can get over this on my own, all by myself. It just sucks that I have to experience this epilogue before it gets better. 

My anthem. Is literally on repeat when my heart needs that extra lovin.

Hi Gautham.

You found me. Now give me a call.

I love.

The Clouds Are clearing Up (unabridged version)?

thechristmasclub:

The Clouds Are Clearing Up

Gabrielle Puyat 1/30

            I drove home tonight in silence. I was exhausted from a long day of frustration and complication. My head was throbbing and my body was aching with the thought of blank, dreamless sleep. It was the only place where I could take refuge from my constant flow of troubled thoughts. But tonight, I did not want to have to sleep on another day like this, only to wake up and have to endure it all over again. I wanted it to end. 
            After pulling into my driveway, I did not immediately get out of the car. I turned the roaring ignition off and reclined my chair. With my eyes closed and taking in deep, slow breaths, I listened to the muffled sounds of the night soothing me through my closed windows. Desperate for a friend, a crutch to ease my troubles, I regretfully sank into a rarely touched layer of my vulnerability and allowed myself to scan the images in my mind of the people in my life. Your smiling face swam vaguely in view. Slowly and tentatively, I reach for my cell phone and dial your number; half hoping it would go straight to voicemail, but also on the verge of tears if you didn’t pick up.
            After the first ring, I prepared myself for disappointment. Lately, that’s all I have trained myself to expect out of the people I care about the most. But I hear your warm, reassuring voice on the other line, and just the way you answered made every bad thing that occurred earlier in my day seem unimportant and stupid. I relaxed slightly as I heard the hint of that soft smile in your voice mixed with concern. You heard in my voice that I needed you; so, with urgency, you promised to see me in five minutes.
            You drove down my street with bright headlights and happy music. In a second I realized how much I missed you and how grateful I am to have someone like you in my life. It took me a moment to realize that you were actually there, parked in your car out on my sidewalk. I watch as you walked toward my car, a touch of worry in your gaze as you moved in my direction. Realizing that I was still immobile, I willed myself to leave my quiet sanctuary and head toward you. I felt a lump in my throat start to rise as you understandingly spread your arms and wordlessly wrapped me in a much needed embrace. You were always there for me. In that moment, I remembered this. I gratefully took in your warmth and comfort, and I smelled that familiar subtle scent of sweet wood and spice lingering on your skin. The moment I saw your smiling face and felt your strong, consoling arms take me as if they’d never let go, I remembered. Though I hadn’t seen you in months, we became best friends all over again.
            We lay on the back of your car, blissfully reminiscing on memories we made once ago. It felt relieving to finally dismiss my many worries I had accumulated and just have you by my side after so long. Staring up at the dark night sky, we saw a plane pass by … but it was immediately enveloped in a cloud that seemed to be taking up the entire sky.  The usual cheerful summer stars were hiding from us tonight. 
            For some reason, this disheartened me. I had just been feeling so discouraged lately; with everything. Friends, family, school… . And the fact that the stars weren’t even out to cheer me up … that was disheartening.
            But I wanted to be there for you, like you have always been there for me. Even after months of no communication between us, you were always there. Like those times when your face would suddenly be the only one my mind would dwell on when I had a quiet second to myself. I never had to worry about losing any time with you. Not like how I am constantly walking on tight rope with everyone else. One moment they could be right in front of me, promising me that they would never do me wrong, never disappoint me. Then the next, they find a way to take my trust and my dignity and break it into a million painful pieces. Those people made it hard to rely on anybody. But you were different. I was not afraid to depend on you. Surprisingly, in the calmness of the night, I ended up discovering a certain truth within myself.
            I told you to look up at the sky and the clouds. Though we couldn’t see them in that particular instance, we both know there are stars behind those clouds. We both know there’s something more than just clouds out there.Sometimes, if you’re patient and you wait with good intentions … you just might be able to see a star shining through. Squinting at the cloud-obscured sky, you pointed out a twinkling star shining down on us, emulating your smile that I know so well. I realized that in life, once you point out a star, it makes it even easier to keep your eyes open for other stars. If you are fortunate to discover this mentality within yourself, soon enough, all the clouds will blow away. And you were that steady influence that pushed me in the direction of the stars. Stars never move. They are always there, burning with a ferocious, vibrant fire that nobody can destroy.
            Though we may feel like there are various obstacles clouding up the stars in our life, we know if we are true to ourselves and really wait and look for them, the sky will clear up and everything will get better. Eventually, a million stars will be shining and smiling down on you.

            Thank you for helping me. You blew the clouds away. You were my star tonight.

Can’t sleep :(

Some company would be nice. Man, people go to bed so early. With nights like these, I need to be in New York or something.